open letter

Dear United States of America,
Consider this a cross between a happy birthday and a get-well-soon card. Listen, I'm sorry I didn't write earlier, I've been really busy with some stuff and stuff that's going on over here, you know, like siesta. I hear these few months I've been gone have been a little rough for you. Don't feel abandoned, I'm only gone for a year...for now. But please, try to keep it together until I get back. It's not like you've fallen off into the ocean, you're just teetering on the edge of what some have called an economic abyss. There's been hurricane disaster with human sewage running through the street, a vice-presidential nominee that speaks as though English is an uncomfortable second language (first language: shotgun), and the retirement age has been raised to 105 due to a slight financial hiccup, or "the Great Depression, Part II," depending on your perspective. Basically, you look a little like a hot mess. Banks are collapsing, jobs are disappearing, the dollar is falling, thousands of troops are fighting in a never-ending war...I could go on, but that's just overkill. America, I'm just one person. I'll be back for Christmas, try not to do anything crazy until then. Regain rationality! Stay intact, don't let states secede. Also, election day, big day for you. Hint: Don't fall for the "maverick." It's just a fancy word for "cowboy," and look how well that turned out. But hey, what do I know? I've got arugula and Lindt chocolate in my fridge, and I'm living in the hostile socialism of Spain, clearly a sign of rampant elitism. But America, that's not the point. Under the shadow of Día de Hispanidad (known to you as Columbus Day, and the Native Americans as genocide), the "discovery" of your existence, look how far you've come. From building pyramids made of solid stone to drawing them with the Dow Jones. Felicidades, Abi.